We live in a world with a natural cycle of life. Everyday, there are babies conceived, babies born, children growing into teenagers, teenagers become adults, adults growing old, and elderly people dying. This cycle is part of our world.
Lately though, one part of this cycle has been bringing me more pain than I've ever known possible. You can probably guess it - it's the baby part. You see, as I deal with the fact that I want to get pregnant eventually, I am left with the abstract timeline. I'm not married, though I know I will be eventually (hopefully in the next few years). I'm not financially ready for a child, though that will happen in its time. I haven't built an emotionally stable foundation with the husband of my dreams to welcome a child into - but that will come with its season. I'm not trying to conceive right now and I won't be for a while longer. So, the thought of infertility, the thought of not being able to bear a child, is just that - a thought. I don't know for sure that it will be a struggle, I don't know that it will be difficult, but, because I know it might be, because the doctors have told me it will be - it weighs on my mind. It sometimes consumes my thoughts (and these last few days, it has even more than before). I try to hold on - I try to keep my heart and mind aligned with God's word. I remind myself of the miracles He has worked in the lives of people in the Bible, and even other people with PCOS who have conceived and never had a miscarriage. I try to hold on to the hope and the knowledge that my God can do ANYTHING - and that He knows His plans for me.
Right now, I have 2 sets of friends in very difficult situations. One is married, already has children and is living with parents because of financial situations. She has an auto-immune disease and her previous pregnancies have made the disease worse. She told me the other day that she thinks she may be pregnant again. She is praying to not be pregnant - she can't provide for a child, even if she is able to carry it to term and have a healthy delivery. I told her I would join her in prayer that God work the situation in the way He has planned for it because I just can't pray for her to not be pregnant.
The other set of friends is married, and has been to hell and back in their marriage. They have come out stronger because of the way God has worked in their lives and they have grown so much. They have come so far - and I'm so proud of them. They felt God's leading about trying to conceive and are praying for a baby. They want a child - they want to share the love God has given them and pass it on to a child. And yet, today, I got a text from her that the pregnancy test she took was negative. My heart breaks for her. I can only imagine the way her heart was dashed when she saw the result. She is following in God's will - doing what she believes He is leading - and the wait is becoming difficult for her.
I can only cry out to God - the only one who can answer my questions. Why can one couple conceive when the other can't? Why is it that the couple who is ready - whose arms are open - haven't yet conceived? And why would the couple who knows they can't financially care for a child conceive one (and just to address it - they have reasons that they can not use typical contraceptives which would have prevented this)? Or, are all of these things just the Earthly view of the situations and You have a totally different plan - one that we can't yet see?
I can only pray and hold these two couples in my heart - knowing that God knows what is best for them. But, I have to tell you, it hurts my heart to see the pain of these people I love - one that might have a baby they would love but can't care for, and one who has yet to conceive the child they long for.
I pray that when the time comes for me, God will make the wait short and the road a healthy and safe one. I also pray that in the waiting, He will continue to reveal more and more about Himself and His plan for me. I hope one day the pain of the not knowing will ease and I can enjoy the ride until God chooses to give me the gift of motherhood in whatever way He chooses to do it.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Perspective
This post is actually rather long - and kind of personal. I'd love to hear what ya'll have to say about these topics...
Tonight, I was watching the news and was struck by a story. The newscaster was telling of a scientist who believes that he can explain the science behind Moses parting the Red Sea. Some Christians were quoted as saying that they didn’t believe the scientist could prove the science behind it, because it was a miracle of God – and therefore not able to be explained by science. (I’m not diving into that part in this entry, but I’d love the perspective of others about that thought.)
Tonight, I was watching the news and was struck by a story. The newscaster was telling of a scientist who believes that he can explain the science behind Moses parting the Red Sea. Some Christians were quoted as saying that they didn’t believe the scientist could prove the science behind it, because it was a miracle of God – and therefore not able to be explained by science. (I’m not diving into that part in this entry, but I’d love the perspective of others about that thought.)
At the very end of the story, the newscaster pointed out that the scientist interviewed is a Christian and admits that his beliefs played into his interest in the topic, but that they did not taint the science behind his discovery. Another scientist backed him up and said that the explanation given did fit with science theories currently believed to be true. But, it all got me thinking…how does my belief in Christ change my perspective? How should it change my perspective about my world?
Once I got thinking about it, I began to look at specific situations that have popped up in the last few months in my life.
- When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I quickly gave in to despair as I learned about the effects that would follow me through my life because of this disorder. I was stuck for quite a while in the fear of not being able to bear children and feeling like I could never measure up to other women because I couldn’t be a mother naturally. As time went on and as I received Godly perspective from Scripture, Jeff and several women in my life, I began to hold to a more balanced perspective - one that acknowledged the possibilities of what having PCOS may mean for my life, but one that chose to look to God for peace, hope, comfort and strength.
- When I heard that my kneecap was fractured and I wouldn’t be able to go back to school for at least a week, I felt worthless. I couldn’t do the job that I love, that God put me on the Earth to do for over a week. What good was I if wasn’t working with my kids? If I couldn’t work, I wasn’t enough. When I stepped back and looked at that, I had to really examine the root of that. I’ve never felt good enough – but my job, my ability to pour into the lives of my students and see them grow – is a huge boost. However, it’s not what makes me good, it’s not what determines who I am. It’s a part of me – but it’s not everything. What determines my worth is not my job, my activities or anything else on Earth. What determines my worth is what my Father, my Creator, my God, has to say about me. In His Scripture, He says that He created me in my mother’s womb. He formed my body. He knows my thoughts. He determines my worth. My job, my activities, my good deeds, my bad thoughts, my lack of anything never determines my worth. I am His daughter, His princess, and I’m alive because He gives me life – not because of anything I do or don’t do. That’s the perspective I should have as a child of God.
- When looking back at my 5 days off of school so far, I see most of my time has been spent on the computer, followed by watching TV, followed by sleeping (because of pain meds), followed finally by Bible Study/Praise and Worship/Prayer. When I look at that time, I’m saddened. I often say that I would love to spend more time in the Word than I do on a daily basis – and yet, this was a perfect opportunity to start that and really dive into Scripture with few distractions. I didn’t even crack my Bible open until Friday afternoon. The last few days I’ve spent more time than I did at the start – but that was only after I had re-watched all episodes of Grey’s Anatomy Season 6, the novelty of daytime TV wore off and I couldn’t play any more Tetris or I would go cross-eyed. My heart is saddened that I first sought the fun and worldly things. I wish I could go back to last Thursday and jump on board with extra time with Abba right from the get-go. As a Christian, I should be looking for every opportunity to be with God that is out there. Not that I should separate myself from the real world – but my goal is to commune with God at all times, in everything, and because of that relationship to be able to bless and impact the lives of all those I come into contact with. What better way to practice that than to take advantage of the wonderful time that has been given to me to do what I can’t do in my normal routine?
I have to admit, I don’t really like what I see, but it did give me a new goal to strive toward. It’s amazing to me how the Holy Spirit can use something from daily life, something random, to convict and bring a new perspective to my faith.
Another random thought - in the last few weeks, when I have most despaired and had the hardest time, have been the times I've been most complimented for my smile, my encouragement and my positive attitude. If I can have all of that for others - why can't I have it for myself? I need to work to allow the attitude and mind of Christ that I can share with others to actually invade my heart and allow myself to believe that the good God works in the lives of others, He also wants (and does) chose to work in my life.
So, my readers and friends, I end this with some questions for you…
1) When you look at your life, how does your perspective as a Christian make you look at situations differently than you would if you didn’t believe in Christ?
2) How do you feel about learning someone has discovered the science behind the parting of the Red Sea? Does it make it seem any less of a miracle or does it confirm to you that our God is awesome?
I’d love your comments and your perspective! Much love!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Disappointment
Disappointment. I have used that word more in the last few days than ever before in my life.
If I had posted last Tuesday, this is what you would have read...
- I've been training for a 5k, and finally got to where I could run multiple 1/4 mile stints - on par for where I need to be to run the 5k in October. Yay!
- I just started dance classes - ballet was awesome and jazz is coming up. So excited to feel at home in the dance studio. Feel my confidence and posture improving already.
- I'm walking 10,000-14,000 steps everyday. And, it's not that hard! Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school, I walk with my co-teacher and it's been wonderful to have that time to build our friendship and camaraderie in Christ.
- I'm feeling healthier than I've ever felt and while I'm not losing weight, I am feeling better and seem to be toning up.
And then, last Wednesday happened, and now I'm filled with disappointment. I was kicked by a student, which caused my kneecap to fracture. My reality now is: no 5k in October, no dance class till December or January, no bearing weight for several days, feeling the weight packing on despite trying to eat healthy and stick to a careful diet.
The past few days have been days of crying out to God in the disappointment. He and I have talked about how angry I am at the situation - how I was doing so good - doing what I thought He wanted me to in order to be healthy, and yet - everything came to a grinding halt.
Last night, as I was doing my Bible study, I came across a verse that spoke to me. It doesn't mean that I'm no longer disappointed, but, it means that I'm learning to deal with it.
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20
This verse spoke to me about how our feelings can be overwhelming and how we can listen to our feelings and forget the truth of God. But - God is greater than our heart - greater than our feelings - greater than our circumstances. So, in this time of frustration and disappointment - I am choosing to set my heart at rest and remain under His wing - knowing that He knows everything. I know I'll need that reminder a million times while I have to sit quietly and not do everything I like to do, but I'm going to try to keep that focus. I have posted those verses next to my couch, where I'm spending most of my time, in order to have the constant reminder that even in my hurt and disappointment, God is there.
Trying to focus on the positive in the next few days and keep myself focusing on how God sees this event in the grand scheme of all He has planned for my life rather than focusing on my disappointment in not getting to do things as I had planned them.
And - for those interested, I have decided that I'm not giving up on the running. I'm resting and waiting till i have doctors approval, but then, I am going to get back out and keep training. I won't be running this 5k, but that doesn't mean I won't be able to run one in January or in a few months from then. :)
Much love! :)
If I had posted last Tuesday, this is what you would have read...
- I've been training for a 5k, and finally got to where I could run multiple 1/4 mile stints - on par for where I need to be to run the 5k in October. Yay!
- I just started dance classes - ballet was awesome and jazz is coming up. So excited to feel at home in the dance studio. Feel my confidence and posture improving already.
- I'm walking 10,000-14,000 steps everyday. And, it's not that hard! Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school, I walk with my co-teacher and it's been wonderful to have that time to build our friendship and camaraderie in Christ.
- I'm feeling healthier than I've ever felt and while I'm not losing weight, I am feeling better and seem to be toning up.
And then, last Wednesday happened, and now I'm filled with disappointment. I was kicked by a student, which caused my kneecap to fracture. My reality now is: no 5k in October, no dance class till December or January, no bearing weight for several days, feeling the weight packing on despite trying to eat healthy and stick to a careful diet.
The past few days have been days of crying out to God in the disappointment. He and I have talked about how angry I am at the situation - how I was doing so good - doing what I thought He wanted me to in order to be healthy, and yet - everything came to a grinding halt.
Last night, as I was doing my Bible study, I came across a verse that spoke to me. It doesn't mean that I'm no longer disappointed, but, it means that I'm learning to deal with it.
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20
This verse spoke to me about how our feelings can be overwhelming and how we can listen to our feelings and forget the truth of God. But - God is greater than our heart - greater than our feelings - greater than our circumstances. So, in this time of frustration and disappointment - I am choosing to set my heart at rest and remain under His wing - knowing that He knows everything. I know I'll need that reminder a million times while I have to sit quietly and not do everything I like to do, but I'm going to try to keep that focus. I have posted those verses next to my couch, where I'm spending most of my time, in order to have the constant reminder that even in my hurt and disappointment, God is there.
Trying to focus on the positive in the next few days and keep myself focusing on how God sees this event in the grand scheme of all He has planned for my life rather than focusing on my disappointment in not getting to do things as I had planned them.
And - for those interested, I have decided that I'm not giving up on the running. I'm resting and waiting till i have doctors approval, but then, I am going to get back out and keep training. I won't be running this 5k, but that doesn't mean I won't be able to run one in January or in a few months from then. :)
Much love! :)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Update and Catch Up
Yet again, I've gotten behind. I'm going to try to do 2 posts tonight. This one is going to be a catch up post - and the next one will be a post about some things God has been teaching me.
So, what's been going on in my life?
- School is in full swing. It's going well. I have had the normal ups and downs of a semester - but overall, this year is better than last. I've had my scariest moment in teaching and my most exciting - in one week - with the same student. Got to love how that works!
- PCOS is still causing lots of problems. I'm working hard to fight against it in so many ways. I'm trying to be good and eat my meals every 3 hours, like I'm supposed to. My sugar drops and spikes in ridiculous ways. I am taking medicine twice a day - to help regulate my sugar - but it doesn't seem to help. Maybe it will take some time.
- My doctor is expecting me to lose 30 lbs by Christmas. I personally don't see how this is going to happen, though I'd love it if it did. I'm trying all I can - eating better, exercising and taking the meds. We'll see what results I get from my hard work. If I lose 15-20, I'll be happy, but I know I have to lose more, and this is not just a diet, but a true change in my life.
- Something exciting starts tomorrow...I get to take dance class again! My wonderful mother decided to give me a gift for my birthday of something i can't give for myself. She is paying for me to take dance this year. I will take a Monday night class that is a combination of ballet, jazz and modern for adults. I'm hoping to take a Thursday night adult tap class also - but that won't start for a little while now.
- Things with Jeff are going amazingly well. I love every minute I get to spend with him - which lately has been about once a week. That's been hard, but he and I are growing and learning to enjoy our time together, and yet, enjoy our times apart too.
- That's about all that's going on right now. It's getting late, so I don't know if I'll get my other post totally done, but I'll aim to have it done by Tuesday. I really want to post about what God has been teaching me - specifically about who He is in the light of all that's been going on in my life. Praying He shows himself to be the amazing, wonderful God He is in all of your lives this week!
AJ
So, what's been going on in my life?
- School is in full swing. It's going well. I have had the normal ups and downs of a semester - but overall, this year is better than last. I've had my scariest moment in teaching and my most exciting - in one week - with the same student. Got to love how that works!
- PCOS is still causing lots of problems. I'm working hard to fight against it in so many ways. I'm trying to be good and eat my meals every 3 hours, like I'm supposed to. My sugar drops and spikes in ridiculous ways. I am taking medicine twice a day - to help regulate my sugar - but it doesn't seem to help. Maybe it will take some time.
- My doctor is expecting me to lose 30 lbs by Christmas. I personally don't see how this is going to happen, though I'd love it if it did. I'm trying all I can - eating better, exercising and taking the meds. We'll see what results I get from my hard work. If I lose 15-20, I'll be happy, but I know I have to lose more, and this is not just a diet, but a true change in my life.
- Something exciting starts tomorrow...I get to take dance class again! My wonderful mother decided to give me a gift for my birthday of something i can't give for myself. She is paying for me to take dance this year. I will take a Monday night class that is a combination of ballet, jazz and modern for adults. I'm hoping to take a Thursday night adult tap class also - but that won't start for a little while now.
- Things with Jeff are going amazingly well. I love every minute I get to spend with him - which lately has been about once a week. That's been hard, but he and I are growing and learning to enjoy our time together, and yet, enjoy our times apart too.
- That's about all that's going on right now. It's getting late, so I don't know if I'll get my other post totally done, but I'll aim to have it done by Tuesday. I really want to post about what God has been teaching me - specifically about who He is in the light of all that's been going on in my life. Praying He shows himself to be the amazing, wonderful God He is in all of your lives this week!
AJ
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A Catch Up Post
Well, after my trip to Upstate NY and Boston, I have neglected my blog. Instead of writing a million paragraphs about all that has happened and all that I've learned, I'll just bullet a few things.
- The PCOS diagnosis has been made officially. I also found out that I have a Vitamin D deficiency. I have already started medicine for the Vitamin D deficiency. The deficiency is not due to a lack of intake, but rather a lack of absorption - so that has to be investigated in the coming months to find out what's going on. I meet with the doctor again at the end of August, and after looking over the medicines and options these past few days, will decide what approach I would like to take. I like that I have had time to research, think and pray about what course of action to make in all of this.
- I have begun to be really careful about the food I eat. I have basically eliminated all fast food, because it is next to impossible to get what I need from fast food - and often, even from a regular restaurant. I am now picky when I do eat out - asking for whole wheat or for low carb options if no whole wheat options are available. I hate this, because it draws more attention to me, and yet, I understand that it's a must for me right now.
- Shopping now takes twice as long! But, the awesome thing that I'm finding is that my grocery stores actually carry whole wheat flour, whole wheat breads and even - whole wheat pizza crust! So, even though it takes a much longer time to prepare my own meals, I can pretty much find a way to cook anything I could crave using a whole wheat alternative. I even made a cake today with whole wheat flour and splenda instead of sugar. Jeff is coming over for dinner tomorrow and we will eat it then - I'll update after about how it turned out. I'm hoping it's wonderful. If so, I might start using whole wheat flour and Splenda for all of my cooking attempts, or at least as much as I can.
- As I've said before, Jeff is amazing! I know God puts events in certain order for a certain reason - and having Jeff in my life before this diagnosis has to be one of those things that was done intentionally. Even when I start to lose hope or feel really down or start worrying about the future and what it might hold, Jeff is able to keep encouraging me and reminding me of the truth of Scripture and just holds me through the tears that continue to come occasionally.
- As the school year starts, I seriously fear my ability to take care of myself. I already see how difficult it's going to be. I'm so thankful to have a teammate who constantly checks in on me and asks me every few hours if I've checked my sugar and if I've eaten. She's not going to let me not take care of myself. I also went ahead and talked to the school nurse so if there are any problems, she knows. I'm making it my plan to eat at certain points throughout the day and to check my blood sugar when I'm supposed to. I am such a care taker for everyone else - taking care of myself is hard - but it's necessary. Even if I don't like it.
- BTW, in case anyone wondered...our trip to NY and Boston was wonderful! I felt so blessed to get to spend 9 days with my sweetie. My family was interesting, but his family was amazing. They welcomed me in with open arms. By the end of the time with his family, I actually felt more comfortable with them than I did with some members of my own family. His Nana even said it was like I had always been a part of their family. :) Pretty much everyone said they were sure they'd see me again - and his dad even said at the end of the trip that he was really glad I had been able to come. It was a huge milestone for us and I'm so thankful that we were able to work it out.
Alright, well that's enough updates for now. I'll try to be better about updating than I have so far this month. It's been a bit crazy with getting ready for school, but I think once I get into the swing of school, I'll be better. I'm also hoping to start doing a study through the women of the Bible, focusing on women considered barren. I'm sure I'll share my thoughts about them and how God used them. It's something God has laid on my heart to really study, so I'm planning to start that this week.
God bless you all!
- The PCOS diagnosis has been made officially. I also found out that I have a Vitamin D deficiency. I have already started medicine for the Vitamin D deficiency. The deficiency is not due to a lack of intake, but rather a lack of absorption - so that has to be investigated in the coming months to find out what's going on. I meet with the doctor again at the end of August, and after looking over the medicines and options these past few days, will decide what approach I would like to take. I like that I have had time to research, think and pray about what course of action to make in all of this.
- I have begun to be really careful about the food I eat. I have basically eliminated all fast food, because it is next to impossible to get what I need from fast food - and often, even from a regular restaurant. I am now picky when I do eat out - asking for whole wheat or for low carb options if no whole wheat options are available. I hate this, because it draws more attention to me, and yet, I understand that it's a must for me right now.
- Shopping now takes twice as long! But, the awesome thing that I'm finding is that my grocery stores actually carry whole wheat flour, whole wheat breads and even - whole wheat pizza crust! So, even though it takes a much longer time to prepare my own meals, I can pretty much find a way to cook anything I could crave using a whole wheat alternative. I even made a cake today with whole wheat flour and splenda instead of sugar. Jeff is coming over for dinner tomorrow and we will eat it then - I'll update after about how it turned out. I'm hoping it's wonderful. If so, I might start using whole wheat flour and Splenda for all of my cooking attempts, or at least as much as I can.
- As I've said before, Jeff is amazing! I know God puts events in certain order for a certain reason - and having Jeff in my life before this diagnosis has to be one of those things that was done intentionally. Even when I start to lose hope or feel really down or start worrying about the future and what it might hold, Jeff is able to keep encouraging me and reminding me of the truth of Scripture and just holds me through the tears that continue to come occasionally.
- As the school year starts, I seriously fear my ability to take care of myself. I already see how difficult it's going to be. I'm so thankful to have a teammate who constantly checks in on me and asks me every few hours if I've checked my sugar and if I've eaten. She's not going to let me not take care of myself. I also went ahead and talked to the school nurse so if there are any problems, she knows. I'm making it my plan to eat at certain points throughout the day and to check my blood sugar when I'm supposed to. I am such a care taker for everyone else - taking care of myself is hard - but it's necessary. Even if I don't like it.
- BTW, in case anyone wondered...our trip to NY and Boston was wonderful! I felt so blessed to get to spend 9 days with my sweetie. My family was interesting, but his family was amazing. They welcomed me in with open arms. By the end of the time with his family, I actually felt more comfortable with them than I did with some members of my own family. His Nana even said it was like I had always been a part of their family. :) Pretty much everyone said they were sure they'd see me again - and his dad even said at the end of the trip that he was really glad I had been able to come. It was a huge milestone for us and I'm so thankful that we were able to work it out.
Alright, well that's enough updates for now. I'll try to be better about updating than I have so far this month. It's been a bit crazy with getting ready for school, but I think once I get into the swing of school, I'll be better. I'm also hoping to start doing a study through the women of the Bible, focusing on women considered barren. I'm sure I'll share my thoughts about them and how God used them. It's something God has laid on my heart to really study, so I'm planning to start that this week.
God bless you all!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A whole bunch of craziness...
8 vials of blood later, the glucose tolerance test is finished...I really hope the doctor got the complete picture of my hormones, blood counts, etc. The test itself wasn't that bad. I went in, they took 4 vials of blood, gave me a really sweet (read: gross) orange drink that I had to drink in 5 minutes. After I drank it, I went back out to sit in the waiting room for an hour. I got called back in and they took 2 vials of blood at 1 hour. Then, since I was doing well (some people have sugar crashes or feel physically ill - but I was fine), I got to run errands around town - so I went and paid a bill before going back for the last blood draw. At the 2nd hour, they took 2 more vials and then I was done. I hope I'll find out soon what the blood work shows.
I had said in an earlier post that I had Squish and Little Bit (two little girls that are really special to me - one is 9 and one is 5) come visit me in New Bern. It was wonderful, but makes me glad I am not a mom right now. I am still a fan of having my own schedule and getting time to watch the shows I want or to talk to my friends on the phone when I want. They exhausted me every day - but we had so much fun too! I got to take them all around New Bern and take pictures with all the bears around town. Being with them did fan the flame of wanting to be a mom eventually. Little Bit called me mom several times on accident and each time, it was a bittersweet moment. I love that she felt so comfortable with me that it was like I was mom, but it was painful, because I don't know if I'll ever get to hear those words from my own little girl (or boy). One of my friends sent me a message this week on Facebook after seeing the pictures and said, "I know you will be a great mommy one day." It broke my heart.
I hate to keep dwelling on this fact - I'm sure anyone who reads this is tired of hearing it by now - but I want to be a mom. I have always wanted to be a mom. I know that I can adopt and God has been building that heart in me for a long time - but there is a part of me that doesn't want to consider that. I want to have my own child, the "old fashioned way". I don't want to struggle with this, but I'm still keeping it in perspective. There is a mourning process that comes along with any diagnosis (or so a million websites say). I think for me, this is part of that process of learning to accept it. Not accept that I'll never have kids - but learning to accept that I am now in the post-PCOS era of my life. And that this means changes - and change isn't bad.
I got my Insulin Resistance Diet book today. It was recommended by my doctor for a great way to start eating better for my body and the fact that it does not respond to insulin normally. The basic premise is that for every 15 g of carbs I eat, I should eat 7 g of protein - and I shouldn't eat more that 30 g of carbs at any one time. Simple enough in theory - in practice, we'll see.
On a semi-related note...this diagnosis has caused me to do a lot of re-evaluation. As such, I have decided to begin training for a 5k the week that school starts. Using the Couch to 5k Training plan, I should be ready to run a 5k the weekend before my birthday and that's the weekend of the 5k over the Neuse River Bridge by my apartment. I honestly don't know why I want to do the 5k - but I think a big part of it is that I've always been the non-runner, so having had my world turned upside down, I might as well go for something I never thought I could do! And what a great way to ring in my 25th year!!
On a completely unrelated note...tomorrow begins a huge adventure! Jeff and I are going on a trip together. We are first going to Upstate NY to see my family and to show him around where my parents grew up. On Tuesday, we'll leave NY and heading to Boston, Mass to meet up with his parents and sister and to visit his family for a few days. I'm so super excited for this time with him. I love that I'll get to be in the car with him and to have so much time to talk and continue building our relationship! :)
I had said in an earlier post that I had Squish and Little Bit (two little girls that are really special to me - one is 9 and one is 5) come visit me in New Bern. It was wonderful, but makes me glad I am not a mom right now. I am still a fan of having my own schedule and getting time to watch the shows I want or to talk to my friends on the phone when I want. They exhausted me every day - but we had so much fun too! I got to take them all around New Bern and take pictures with all the bears around town. Being with them did fan the flame of wanting to be a mom eventually. Little Bit called me mom several times on accident and each time, it was a bittersweet moment. I love that she felt so comfortable with me that it was like I was mom, but it was painful, because I don't know if I'll ever get to hear those words from my own little girl (or boy). One of my friends sent me a message this week on Facebook after seeing the pictures and said, "I know you will be a great mommy one day." It broke my heart.
I hate to keep dwelling on this fact - I'm sure anyone who reads this is tired of hearing it by now - but I want to be a mom. I have always wanted to be a mom. I know that I can adopt and God has been building that heart in me for a long time - but there is a part of me that doesn't want to consider that. I want to have my own child, the "old fashioned way". I don't want to struggle with this, but I'm still keeping it in perspective. There is a mourning process that comes along with any diagnosis (or so a million websites say). I think for me, this is part of that process of learning to accept it. Not accept that I'll never have kids - but learning to accept that I am now in the post-PCOS era of my life. And that this means changes - and change isn't bad.
I got my Insulin Resistance Diet book today. It was recommended by my doctor for a great way to start eating better for my body and the fact that it does not respond to insulin normally. The basic premise is that for every 15 g of carbs I eat, I should eat 7 g of protein - and I shouldn't eat more that 30 g of carbs at any one time. Simple enough in theory - in practice, we'll see.
On a semi-related note...this diagnosis has caused me to do a lot of re-evaluation. As such, I have decided to begin training for a 5k the week that school starts. Using the Couch to 5k Training plan, I should be ready to run a 5k the weekend before my birthday and that's the weekend of the 5k over the Neuse River Bridge by my apartment. I honestly don't know why I want to do the 5k - but I think a big part of it is that I've always been the non-runner, so having had my world turned upside down, I might as well go for something I never thought I could do! And what a great way to ring in my 25th year!!
On a completely unrelated note...tomorrow begins a huge adventure! Jeff and I are going on a trip together. We are first going to Upstate NY to see my family and to show him around where my parents grew up. On Tuesday, we'll leave NY and heading to Boston, Mass to meet up with his parents and sister and to visit his family for a few days. I'm so super excited for this time with him. I love that I'll get to be in the car with him and to have so much time to talk and continue building our relationship! :)
New Name
I am getting ready to go to my blood test - the one that should confirm the diagnosis of PCOS, but before I do I wanted to share a quick blurb from a conversation I had with my amazing Meggie. I was sharing how there was a bit of shame every time I had to say the name Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome because it says something is wrong with my ovaries - part of my reproduction system. And it really frustrates me, because the problem starts with insulin, not ovaries. I ranted about it for a minute, and she said that I should come up with a new name. And I should practice that name over and over and over again until I could say it with a straight face. And then when I have to share about it, I could say, "I have My Body Hates Me Syndrome." And play it off nonchalantly. I seriously might have to try it.
Thanks Meggie for the laugh and for the wonderful time together yesterday - I needed it and so appreciated it! Hope you enjoyed it too!
I have lots more I want to update on, but that will have to be after I go get leeched. And I just have to say it's annoying how I rarely eat breakfast, but on the day I have to fast, of course, I wake up starving!!
Thanks Meggie for the laugh and for the wonderful time together yesterday - I needed it and so appreciated it! Hope you enjoyed it too!
I have lots more I want to update on, but that will have to be after I go get leeched. And I just have to say it's annoying how I rarely eat breakfast, but on the day I have to fast, of course, I wake up starving!!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Pain, Purpose and Peace!
Today has been a rough day. I have had moments when I wanted to break down - times when I just want to whine about what is going on in my life. I never realized how annoying, time consuming and frustrating it can be to count calories, carbs and proteins. I feel like I have to write things down because I can't remember how much of what I eat. At lunch today, I seriously just wanted to throw everything down and cry. I try very hard not to be whiny or complain, but this PCOS is seriously testing my ability to be strong at times.
But then, tonight, when I was checking Facebook, one of my friends, a wonderful lady who led conference youth ministry for many years had the lyrics to a song written by a Pastor and a Worship Leader from churches in the NCCUMC. I had been at youth camp the year they introduced the song, and I think it is now in the new Methodist Hymnal that is coming out. The song itself is based on John Wesley's Covenant Prayer. I'm reposting the lyrics as a reminder to myself.
Lord, I am not mine but yours alone. Let Your will be done and not my own. Put me where you will and let me serve. In everything I do let me endure. - Covenant Prayer Song by Jay Locklear and Adam Seate
I have already shared that I've felt God leading me to use this new part of my journey - a part I really would rather not have as mine - to be a light for Him for other women with PCOS. Tonight, I was reminded that, even though I'm not happy, and I don't know the greater plan in all of this - God does and He's not in the dark about it at all. I'm praying that even in the moments of being tired of pricking my finger for yet another blood sugar check, even in the moments of pain from feeling like I'll never be able to have children, even in the moments of exhaustion and frustration and feeling like I'll never lose the weight I want to lose - I'll be reminded of His plan, of His purpose and of His unfailing and never wavering love. If I can keep sight of that, I'll know that my pain can be used to build His kingdom and I'll be content, even in my pain. No matter where you are taking me Father, let me glorify you in all I do, in all I encounter. Let me please You and You alone!
And - I have to share that I have an absolutely amazing man in my life - I know God put him in my life before this all happened for a reason! Those of you who have my blog address and know me personally know that Jeff and I both believe we are with the person we will marry and spend our lives with. I have been able to lean on him and talk to him about all of this when I've needed to. I even sat him down to specifically tell him about the infertility aspect, because I know he wants children and felt it only fair to tell him with plenty of time to back out of the relationship if he didn't want to deal with it before we got more serious. He, of course, was wonderful and listened to me as I shared what PCOS meant for me in the long run and for us - and when I finished, he made it very clear to me that this new part of my journey (our journey) did nothing to change his love for me and his commitment to me. He also reminded me of God's promises and the fact that in God's timing, miracles happen. I needed that reminder, and it was wonderful to hear it from him.
I am finding there is hope. There is life worth looking forward to - it's just not exactly all as I had planned it. But, as long as I have God (who isn't going any where) and my friends (who are truly worth their weight in gold), I have a future and a hope and all the support I need to get through the days that won't be easy and to hold on to the promises my Father has made in His word that He has upheld in the past and will continue to uphold. On a completely unrelated note...
Tomorrow I get to pick up Squish and Little Bit and bring them to New Bern with me! I keep them for 3 days and will return them on Wednesday. I'm excited to get to spend some great quality time with two little girls who make me smile so much. I'm excited for the distraction and the ability to have something totally different to think about for a few days. It will be great! :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Shame, Snacks, and Scripture!
Today has been an interesting day of ups and downs as I process the news I received yesterday and share it with those close to me. It's funny to me how ashamed I have felt at times as I've told someone new about this. Why do I feel shame? Because I feel like I'm defective - I'm broken. I never realized that having a life long disease would do that. I don't feel that way about my hearing loss. I don't feel that way about my need for glasses. But, for some reason, this goes deeper - a lot deeper and seems to threaten my very identity. I know I am still Amy-Jo, the same Amy-Jo I've always been, but at the same time, I am different now in a way I can't even put my finger on.
PCOS is causing me to make changes to my daily life. Right now, while continuing to wait on the final diagnosis, they are just small changes. Mainly, it's just my eating habits right now. I've learned that for someone with insulin resistance (which is what causes PCOS), the best way to eat is to balance carbs and proteins and to eat at least 1 serving of carbs and 1 serving of protein every 3 hours. I feel like all I'm doing is eating. I've been able to learn how to combine a carb and protein into a small snack - peanut butter on toast, anyone? - and am learning how to properly balance foods so I'm not eating a million calories in a day, which is what today felt like.
I have no clue how I'm going to translate that into life when I go back to school and barely have time to eat lunch, much less snack every three hours, but I have a few more weeks to find ways to manage that. I'm learning that I'm going to have to make time for me during the school day. If I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my kids, and then, what is the purpose of me being there in the first place.
I won't lie - today has been difficult. But, God has been teaching me a lot of truth about Him today. I have been holding on to a few songs that keep coming to mind. The first is Held by Natalie Grant and the second is Hold Fast by Mercy Me. Both are reminding me of the truth of who my Father is - and how much He has been there for me in the past. I know He never changes. God has also been teaching me about Himself through His Scripture. While talking to a few different people, the word barren has come up in response to the infertility aspect of PCOS. Because of that, I did a Word Study on barren tonight to see what God has to say about it. And, I've found a lot of interesting things. One is that there are multiple cases mentioned in the Bible where a woman who was declared barren was able to conceive and bear children in God's timing and in His purpose. Another is a chapter in Psalms that I'm declaring as mine for now. So, based on God's word as He has revealed it to me today, I am going to go ahead and believe that I will not be barren. When I am married, and when the time is right for me and my husband, I will be able to conceive, because God says the barren woman will bear children.
Psalm 113
"1 Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. 2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore. 3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. 4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. 5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, 6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? 7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; 8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. 9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."
I love how God is able to use Scripture to teach us about Him and to touch a part of our hearts that are needing to hear from Him. Reading a truth that has been around for so long makes me feel not so alone. It reminds me that I'm not the first woman to receive this diagnosis, and I won't be the last. I'm actually kind of blessed that God has called me share my journey through PCOS, because it means, I get to share my story with others. I get to show others His truth and that this diagnosis isn't the end of our journey, but merely, the starting down another path in the journey.
I'll close with the fun new treat for the day that I created tonight:
Almond milk and chocolate protein powder, with a bit of ice, makes for a great, sweet smoothie and helps to bring up blood sugar before bed - so I will be able to get better sleep (yay for knowing why I've had so much insomnia) and wake up with a higher sugar level. :) It's great to have a reason to treat myself well and have a sweet treat at the same time!
Blessings to all of my readers! And please, feel free to leave me ideas for your sweet treats or quick snacks, especially if they balance carbs and proteins, as well as any other comments! :)
PCOS is causing me to make changes to my daily life. Right now, while continuing to wait on the final diagnosis, they are just small changes. Mainly, it's just my eating habits right now. I've learned that for someone with insulin resistance (which is what causes PCOS), the best way to eat is to balance carbs and proteins and to eat at least 1 serving of carbs and 1 serving of protein every 3 hours. I feel like all I'm doing is eating. I've been able to learn how to combine a carb and protein into a small snack - peanut butter on toast, anyone? - and am learning how to properly balance foods so I'm not eating a million calories in a day, which is what today felt like.
I have no clue how I'm going to translate that into life when I go back to school and barely have time to eat lunch, much less snack every three hours, but I have a few more weeks to find ways to manage that. I'm learning that I'm going to have to make time for me during the school day. If I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my kids, and then, what is the purpose of me being there in the first place.
I won't lie - today has been difficult. But, God has been teaching me a lot of truth about Him today. I have been holding on to a few songs that keep coming to mind. The first is Held by Natalie Grant and the second is Hold Fast by Mercy Me. Both are reminding me of the truth of who my Father is - and how much He has been there for me in the past. I know He never changes. God has also been teaching me about Himself through His Scripture. While talking to a few different people, the word barren has come up in response to the infertility aspect of PCOS. Because of that, I did a Word Study on barren tonight to see what God has to say about it. And, I've found a lot of interesting things. One is that there are multiple cases mentioned in the Bible where a woman who was declared barren was able to conceive and bear children in God's timing and in His purpose. Another is a chapter in Psalms that I'm declaring as mine for now. So, based on God's word as He has revealed it to me today, I am going to go ahead and believe that I will not be barren. When I am married, and when the time is right for me and my husband, I will be able to conceive, because God says the barren woman will bear children.
Psalm 113
"1 Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. 2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore. 3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. 4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. 5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, 6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? 7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; 8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. 9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."
I love how God is able to use Scripture to teach us about Him and to touch a part of our hearts that are needing to hear from Him. Reading a truth that has been around for so long makes me feel not so alone. It reminds me that I'm not the first woman to receive this diagnosis, and I won't be the last. I'm actually kind of blessed that God has called me share my journey through PCOS, because it means, I get to share my story with others. I get to show others His truth and that this diagnosis isn't the end of our journey, but merely, the starting down another path in the journey.
I'll close with the fun new treat for the day that I created tonight:
Almond milk and chocolate protein powder, with a bit of ice, makes for a great, sweet smoothie and helps to bring up blood sugar before bed - so I will be able to get better sleep (yay for knowing why I've had so much insomnia) and wake up with a higher sugar level. :) It's great to have a reason to treat myself well and have a sweet treat at the same time!
Blessings to all of my readers! And please, feel free to leave me ideas for your sweet treats or quick snacks, especially if they balance carbs and proteins, as well as any other comments! :)
Learning to be held
I'm a strong, independent woman. I live on my own because I enjoy getting to do what I want when I want. But, this journey is going to be one of being dependent. I am blessed when I compare this disease to other ones. I will keep my faculties - I will keep my physical independence. But, my emotional independence is breaking down right now. I need people. I need reassurance. I need love. I need to know that I'm not alone. I don't really like this, but I'm praying that God is using this to teach me and mold me.
I've already found that the best thing I can do when I'm dealing with the fear and the frustration of this diagnosis is to let someone else be there for me. After my appointment yesterday, I drove to Jeff's apartment and hung out with him for a few hours. I didn't talk a whole lot about what was going on, but just being in his arms and being safe and knowing that even though he knows the complications this may cause for us down the road he's still there, meant the world to me. And, I don't think he realized it - I didn't realize it at the time - but, he was teaching me about where God is in this. He was teaching me that in the fear, in the frustration, in the confusion, in the anger - God is there. God is big enough to hold me in all that's going on. God is strong enough to take care of me. God loves me.
After hanging out with Jeff, I went and hung out with Jen, and again found out what it means to be loved no matter what. Again, she and I didn't talk a whole lot about it, but it was nice to just be with her. I'm learning I have great friends - people who are there for me no matter what.
I'm learning that independence is great, but God didn't create us to be independent. He created us to be the Body - to join together - to hold each other when we need to, and to let others hold us up when we need it. This journey is teaching me that it's okay to need to be held - and to be willing to seek out my friends and to go to my Heavenly Father and curl up in His lap when I just need to know that I'm not alone. This disease is already teaching me things, and I'm excited to see what else I learn as I walk through this journey.
I've already found that the best thing I can do when I'm dealing with the fear and the frustration of this diagnosis is to let someone else be there for me. After my appointment yesterday, I drove to Jeff's apartment and hung out with him for a few hours. I didn't talk a whole lot about what was going on, but just being in his arms and being safe and knowing that even though he knows the complications this may cause for us down the road he's still there, meant the world to me. And, I don't think he realized it - I didn't realize it at the time - but, he was teaching me about where God is in this. He was teaching me that in the fear, in the frustration, in the confusion, in the anger - God is there. God is big enough to hold me in all that's going on. God is strong enough to take care of me. God loves me.
After hanging out with Jeff, I went and hung out with Jen, and again found out what it means to be loved no matter what. Again, she and I didn't talk a whole lot about it, but it was nice to just be with her. I'm learning I have great friends - people who are there for me no matter what.
I'm learning that independence is great, but God didn't create us to be independent. He created us to be the Body - to join together - to hold each other when we need to, and to let others hold us up when we need it. This journey is teaching me that it's okay to need to be held - and to be willing to seek out my friends and to go to my Heavenly Father and curl up in His lap when I just need to know that I'm not alone. This disease is already teaching me things, and I'm excited to see what else I learn as I walk through this journey.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
New Journey = New Blog
Anyone who has been following my blogging will notice that this post is a change in tone and topic. Previously, I had been blogging about my journey to another country - one that I loved and was so thankful to get to live in. Now, I'm embarking on a new journey - one that I never expected to go on, and one that I'm not really sure where it is going to take me. So, I decided to create a new blog to help me as I process through this new stage in my journey.
Today, I was told that I likely have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I have to do lab work next week and will know for sure after that. If this is the diagnosis I receive, it will make perfect sense. It will explain a lot of things I have always thought I had to live with - and give them a reason. But, it will also be the start of a journey that is different than what I expected for my life.
The prognosis is scary. The possible complications are overwhelming. The thought of having to take medicine every day for the rest of my life is frustrating. But, the knowledge that my God is Greater than any earthly disease is comforting and is the source of my hope and strength today.
What I know:
- PCOS won't ever go away.
- PCOS causes issues with fertility and may cause me to not be able to have children without medical intervention.
- PCOS is a big reason I am almost 25 and still have annoying acne, have facial hair that makes me feel like a man and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.
- PCOS is caused by trouble processing insulin, causing me to produce more testosterone than I should.
- PCOS is going to change my life, but it will not control my life!
I am going to use this blog, which I don't think many people will read, as a place to pour out my thoughts as I walk through this journey to learning what life will be like with PCOS. I hope that it will ultimately be a testament to the healing, mercy and grace of God!
Today, I was told that I likely have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I have to do lab work next week and will know for sure after that. If this is the diagnosis I receive, it will make perfect sense. It will explain a lot of things I have always thought I had to live with - and give them a reason. But, it will also be the start of a journey that is different than what I expected for my life.
The prognosis is scary. The possible complications are overwhelming. The thought of having to take medicine every day for the rest of my life is frustrating. But, the knowledge that my God is Greater than any earthly disease is comforting and is the source of my hope and strength today.
What I know:
- PCOS won't ever go away.
- PCOS causes issues with fertility and may cause me to not be able to have children without medical intervention.
- PCOS is a big reason I am almost 25 and still have annoying acne, have facial hair that makes me feel like a man and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.
- PCOS is caused by trouble processing insulin, causing me to produce more testosterone than I should.
- PCOS is going to change my life, but it will not control my life!
I am going to use this blog, which I don't think many people will read, as a place to pour out my thoughts as I walk through this journey to learning what life will be like with PCOS. I hope that it will ultimately be a testament to the healing, mercy and grace of God!
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