Learning to be held

I'm a strong, independent woman. I live on my own because I enjoy getting to do what I want when I want. But, this journey is going to be one of being dependent. I am blessed when I compare this disease to other ones. I will keep my faculties - I will keep my physical independence. But, my emotional independence is breaking down right now. I need people. I need reassurance. I need love. I need to know that I'm not alone. I don't really like this, but I'm praying that God is using this to teach me and mold me.

I've already found that the best thing I can do when I'm dealing with the fear and the frustration of this diagnosis is to let someone else be there for me. After my appointment yesterday, I drove to Jeff's apartment and hung out with him for a few hours. I didn't talk a whole lot about what was going on, but just being in his arms and being safe and knowing that even though he knows the complications this may cause for us down the road he's still there, meant the world to me. And, I don't think he realized it - I didn't realize it at the time - but, he was teaching me about where God is in this. He was teaching me that in the fear, in the frustration, in the confusion, in the anger - God is there. God is big enough to hold me in all that's going on. God is strong enough to take care of me. God loves me.

After hanging out with Jeff, I went and hung out with Jen, and again found out what it means to be loved no matter what. Again, she and I didn't talk a whole lot about it, but it was nice to just be with her. I'm learning I have great friends - people who are there for me no matter what.

I'm learning that independence is great, but God didn't create us to be independent. He created us to be the Body - to join together - to hold each other when we need to, and to let others hold us up when we need it. This journey is teaching me that it's okay to need to be held - and to be willing to seek out my friends and to go to my Heavenly Father and curl up in His lap when I just need to know that I'm not alone. This disease is already teaching me things, and I'm excited to see what else I learn as I walk through this journey.