Shame, Snacks, and Scripture!

Today has been an interesting day of ups and downs as I process the news I received yesterday and share it with those close to me. It's funny to me how ashamed I have felt at times as I've told someone new about this. Why do I feel shame? Because I feel like I'm defective - I'm broken. I never realized that having a life long disease would do that. I don't feel that way about my hearing loss. I don't feel that way about my need for glasses. But, for some reason, this goes deeper - a lot deeper and seems to threaten my very identity. I know I am still Amy-Jo, the same Amy-Jo I've always been, but at the same time, I am different now in a way I can't even put my finger on.

PCOS is causing me to make changes to my daily life. Right now, while continuing to wait on the final diagnosis, they are just small changes. Mainly, it's just my eating habits right now. I've learned that for someone with insulin resistance (which is what causes PCOS), the best way to eat is to balance carbs and proteins and to eat at least 1 serving of carbs and 1 serving of protein every 3 hours. I feel like all I'm doing is eating. I've been able to learn how to combine a carb and protein into a small snack - peanut butter on toast, anyone? - and am learning how to properly balance foods so I'm not eating a million calories in a day, which is what today felt like.

I have no clue how I'm going to translate that into life when I go back to school and barely have time to eat lunch, much less snack every three hours, but I have a few more weeks to find ways to manage that. I'm learning that I'm going to have to make time for me during the school day. If I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my kids, and then, what is the purpose of me being there in the first place.

I won't lie - today has been difficult. But, God has been teaching me a lot of truth about Him today. I have been holding on to a few songs that keep coming to mind. The first is Held by Natalie Grant and the second is Hold Fast by Mercy Me. Both are reminding me of the truth of who my Father is - and how much He has been there for me in the past. I know He never changes. God has also been teaching me about Himself through His Scripture. While talking to a few different people, the word barren has come up in response to the infertility aspect of PCOS. Because of that, I did a Word Study on barren tonight to see what God has to say about it. And, I've found a lot of interesting things. One is that there are multiple cases mentioned in the Bible where a woman who was declared barren was able to conceive and bear children in God's timing and in His purpose. Another is a chapter in Psalms that I'm declaring as mine for now. So, based on God's word as He has revealed it to me today, I am going to go ahead and believe that I will not be barren. When I am married, and when the time is right for me and my husband, I will be able to conceive, because God says the barren woman will bear children.

Psalm 113
"1 Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. 2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore. 3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. 4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. 5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, 6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? 7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; 8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. 9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

I love how God is able to use Scripture to teach us about Him and to touch a part of our hearts that are needing to hear from Him. Reading a truth that has been around for so long makes me feel not so alone. It reminds me that I'm not the first woman to receive this diagnosis, and I won't be the last. I'm actually kind of blessed that God has called me share my journey through PCOS, because it means, I get to share my story with others. I get to show others His truth and that this diagnosis isn't the end of our journey, but merely, the starting down another path in the journey.

I'll close with the fun new treat for the day that I created tonight:
Almond milk and chocolate protein powder, with a bit of ice, makes for a great, sweet smoothie and helps to bring up blood sugar before bed - so I will be able to get better sleep (yay for knowing why I've had so much insomnia) and wake up with a higher sugar level. :) It's great to have a reason to treat myself well and have a sweet treat at the same time!

Blessings to all of my readers! And please, feel free to leave me ideas for your sweet treats or quick snacks, especially if they balance carbs and proteins, as well as any other comments! :)