The Unknown in the Waiting...

We live in a world with a natural cycle of life. Everyday, there are babies conceived, babies born, children growing into teenagers, teenagers become adults, adults growing old, and elderly people dying. This cycle is part of our world.

Lately though, one part of this cycle has been bringing me more pain than I've ever known possible. You can probably guess it - it's the baby part. You see, as I deal with the fact that I want to get pregnant eventually, I am left with the abstract timeline. I'm not married, though I know I will be eventually (hopefully in the next few years). I'm not financially ready for a child, though that will happen in its time. I haven't built an emotionally stable foundation with the husband of my dreams to welcome a child into - but that will come with its season. I'm not trying to conceive right now and I won't be for a while longer. So, the thought of infertility, the thought of not being able to bear a child, is just that - a thought. I don't know for sure that it will be a struggle, I don't know that it will be difficult, but, because I know it might be, because the doctors have told me it will be - it weighs on my mind. It sometimes consumes my thoughts (and these last few days, it has even more than before). I try to hold on - I try to keep my heart and mind aligned with God's word. I remind myself of the miracles He has worked in the lives of people in the Bible, and even other people with PCOS who have conceived and never had a miscarriage. I try to hold on to the hope and the knowledge that my God can do ANYTHING - and that He knows His plans for me.

Right now, I have 2 sets of friends in very difficult situations. One is married, already has children and is living with parents because of financial situations. She has an auto-immune disease and her previous pregnancies have made the disease worse. She told me the other day that she thinks she may be pregnant again. She is praying to not be pregnant - she can't provide for a child, even if she is able to carry it to term and have a healthy delivery. I told her I would join her in prayer that God work the situation in the way He has planned for it because I just can't pray for her to not be pregnant.

The other set of friends is married, and has been to hell and back in their marriage. They have come out stronger because of the way God has worked in their lives and they have grown so much. They have come so far - and I'm so proud of them. They felt God's leading about trying to conceive and are praying for a baby. They want a child - they want to share the love God has given them and pass it on to a child. And yet, today, I got a text from her that the pregnancy test she took was negative. My heart breaks for her. I can only imagine the way her heart was dashed when she saw the result. She is following in God's will - doing what she believes He is leading - and the wait is becoming difficult for her.

I can only cry out to God - the only one who can answer my questions. Why can one couple conceive when the other can't? Why is it that the couple who is ready - whose arms are open - haven't yet conceived? And why would the couple who knows they can't financially care for a child conceive one (and just to address it - they have reasons that they can not use typical contraceptives which would have prevented this)? Or, are all of these things just the Earthly view of the situations and You have a totally different plan - one that we can't yet see?

I can only pray and hold these two couples in my heart - knowing that God knows what is best for them. But, I have to tell you, it hurts my heart to see the pain of these people I love - one that might have a baby they would love but can't care for, and one who has yet to conceive the child they long for.

I pray that when the time comes for me, God will make the wait short and the road a healthy and safe one. I also pray that in the waiting, He will continue to reveal more and more about Himself and His plan for me. I hope one day the pain of the not knowing will ease and I can enjoy the ride until God chooses to give me the gift of motherhood in whatever way He chooses to do it.