The Unknown in the Waiting...

We live in a world with a natural cycle of life. Everyday, there are babies conceived, babies born, children growing into teenagers, teenagers become adults, adults growing old, and elderly people dying. This cycle is part of our world.

Lately though, one part of this cycle has been bringing me more pain than I've ever known possible. You can probably guess it - it's the baby part. You see, as I deal with the fact that I want to get pregnant eventually, I am left with the abstract timeline. I'm not married, though I know I will be eventually (hopefully in the next few years). I'm not financially ready for a child, though that will happen in its time. I haven't built an emotionally stable foundation with the husband of my dreams to welcome a child into - but that will come with its season. I'm not trying to conceive right now and I won't be for a while longer. So, the thought of infertility, the thought of not being able to bear a child, is just that - a thought. I don't know for sure that it will be a struggle, I don't know that it will be difficult, but, because I know it might be, because the doctors have told me it will be - it weighs on my mind. It sometimes consumes my thoughts (and these last few days, it has even more than before). I try to hold on - I try to keep my heart and mind aligned with God's word. I remind myself of the miracles He has worked in the lives of people in the Bible, and even other people with PCOS who have conceived and never had a miscarriage. I try to hold on to the hope and the knowledge that my God can do ANYTHING - and that He knows His plans for me.

Right now, I have 2 sets of friends in very difficult situations. One is married, already has children and is living with parents because of financial situations. She has an auto-immune disease and her previous pregnancies have made the disease worse. She told me the other day that she thinks she may be pregnant again. She is praying to not be pregnant - she can't provide for a child, even if she is able to carry it to term and have a healthy delivery. I told her I would join her in prayer that God work the situation in the way He has planned for it because I just can't pray for her to not be pregnant.

The other set of friends is married, and has been to hell and back in their marriage. They have come out stronger because of the way God has worked in their lives and they have grown so much. They have come so far - and I'm so proud of them. They felt God's leading about trying to conceive and are praying for a baby. They want a child - they want to share the love God has given them and pass it on to a child. And yet, today, I got a text from her that the pregnancy test she took was negative. My heart breaks for her. I can only imagine the way her heart was dashed when she saw the result. She is following in God's will - doing what she believes He is leading - and the wait is becoming difficult for her.

I can only cry out to God - the only one who can answer my questions. Why can one couple conceive when the other can't? Why is it that the couple who is ready - whose arms are open - haven't yet conceived? And why would the couple who knows they can't financially care for a child conceive one (and just to address it - they have reasons that they can not use typical contraceptives which would have prevented this)? Or, are all of these things just the Earthly view of the situations and You have a totally different plan - one that we can't yet see?

I can only pray and hold these two couples in my heart - knowing that God knows what is best for them. But, I have to tell you, it hurts my heart to see the pain of these people I love - one that might have a baby they would love but can't care for, and one who has yet to conceive the child they long for.

I pray that when the time comes for me, God will make the wait short and the road a healthy and safe one. I also pray that in the waiting, He will continue to reveal more and more about Himself and His plan for me. I hope one day the pain of the not knowing will ease and I can enjoy the ride until God chooses to give me the gift of motherhood in whatever way He chooses to do it.

Perspective

This post is actually rather long - and kind of personal. I'd love to hear what ya'll have to say about these topics...

Tonight, I was watching the news and was struck by a story. The newscaster was telling of a scientist who believes that he can explain the science behind Moses parting the Red Sea. Some Christians were quoted as saying that they didn’t believe the scientist could prove the science behind it, because it was a miracle of God – and therefore not able to be explained by science. (I’m not diving into that part in this entry, but I’d love the perspective of others about that thought.)

At the very end of the story, the newscaster pointed out that the scientist interviewed is a Christian and admits that his beliefs played into his interest in the topic, but that they did not taint the science behind his discovery. Another scientist backed him up and said that the explanation given did fit with science theories currently believed to be true. But, it all got me thinking…how does my belief in Christ change my perspective? How should it change my perspective about my world?

Once I got thinking about it, I began to look at specific situations that have popped up in the last few months in my life.

-       When I was diagnosed with PCOS, I quickly gave in to despair as I learned about the effects that would follow me through my life because of this disorder. I was stuck for quite a while in the fear of not being able to bear children and feeling like I could never measure up to other women because I couldn’t be a mother naturally. As time went on and as I received Godly perspective from Scripture, Jeff and several women in my life, I began to hold to a more balanced perspective - one that acknowledged the possibilities of what having PCOS may mean for my life, but one that chose to look to God for peace, hope, comfort and strength.

-       When I heard that my kneecap was fractured and I wouldn’t be able to go back to school for at least a week, I felt worthless. I couldn’t do the job that I love, that God put me on the Earth to do for over a week. What good was I if  wasn’t working with my kids? If I couldn’t work, I wasn’t enough. When I stepped back and looked at that, I had to really examine the root of that. I’ve never felt good enough – but my job, my ability to pour into the lives of my students and see them grow – is a huge boost. However, it’s not what makes me good, it’s not what determines who I am. It’s a part of me – but it’s not everything. What determines my worth is not my job, my activities or anything else on Earth. What determines my worth is what my Father, my Creator, my God, has to say about me. In His Scripture, He says that He created me in my mother’s womb. He formed my body. He knows my thoughts. He determines my worth. My job, my activities, my good deeds, my bad thoughts, my lack of anything never determines my worth. I am His daughter, His princess, and I’m alive because He gives me life – not because of anything I do or don’t do. That’s the perspective I should have as a child of God.

-       When looking back at my 5 days off of school so far, I see most of my time has been spent on the computer, followed by watching TV, followed by sleeping (because of pain meds), followed finally by Bible Study/Praise and Worship/Prayer. When I look at that time, I’m saddened. I often say that I would love to spend more time in the Word than I do on a daily basis – and yet, this was a perfect opportunity to start that and really dive into Scripture with few distractions. I didn’t even crack my Bible open until Friday afternoon. The last few days I’ve spent more time than I did at the start – but that was only after I had re-watched all episodes of Grey’s Anatomy Season 6, the novelty of daytime TV wore off and I couldn’t play any more Tetris or I would go cross-eyed. My heart is saddened that I first sought the fun and worldly things. I wish I could go back to last Thursday and jump on board with extra time with Abba right from the get-go. As a Christian, I should be looking for every opportunity to be with God that is out there. Not that I should separate myself from the real world – but my goal is to commune with God at all times, in everything, and because of that relationship to be able to bless and impact the lives of all those I come into contact with.  What better way to practice that than to take advantage of the wonderful time that has been given to me to do what I can’t do in my normal routine? 

I have to admit, I don’t really like what I see, but it did give me a new goal to strive toward.  It’s amazing to me how the Holy Spirit can use something from daily life, something random, to convict and bring a new perspective to my faith.  

Another random thought - in the last few weeks, when I have most despaired and had the hardest time, have been the times I've been most complimented for my smile, my encouragement and my positive attitude. If I can have all of that for others - why can't I have it for myself? I need to work to allow the attitude and mind of Christ that I can share with others to actually invade my heart and allow myself to believe that the good God works in the lives of others, He also wants (and does) chose to work in my life. 

So, my readers and friends, I end this with some questions for you…

1)   When you look at your life, how does your perspective as a Christian make you look at situations differently than you would if you didn’t believe in Christ?

2)   How do you feel about learning someone has discovered the science behind the parting of the Red Sea? Does it make it seem any less of a miracle or does it confirm to you that our God is awesome?

I’d love your comments and your perspective! Much love!

Disappointment

Disappointment. I have used that word more in the last few days than ever before in my life.

If I had posted last Tuesday, this is what you would have read...

- I've been training for a 5k, and finally got to where I could run multiple 1/4 mile stints - on par for where I need to be to run the 5k in October. Yay!

- I just started dance classes - ballet was awesome and jazz is coming up. So excited to feel at home in the dance studio. Feel my confidence and posture improving already.

- I'm walking 10,000-14,000 steps everyday. And, it's not that hard! Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school, I walk with my co-teacher and it's been wonderful to have that time to build our friendship and camaraderie in Christ.

- I'm feeling healthier than I've ever felt and while I'm not losing weight, I am feeling better and seem to be toning up.

And then, last Wednesday happened, and now I'm filled with disappointment. I was kicked by a student, which caused my kneecap to fracture. My reality now is: no 5k in October, no dance class till December or January, no bearing weight for several days, feeling the weight packing on despite trying to eat healthy and stick to a careful diet.

The past few days have been days of crying out to God in the disappointment. He and I have talked about how angry I am at the situation - how I was doing so good - doing what I thought He wanted me to in order to be healthy, and yet - everything came to a grinding halt.

Last night, as I was doing my Bible study, I came across a verse that spoke to me. It doesn't mean that I'm no longer disappointed, but, it means that I'm learning to deal with it.

"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20

This verse spoke to me about how our feelings can be overwhelming and how we can listen to our feelings and forget the truth of God. But - God is greater than our heart - greater than our feelings - greater than our circumstances. So, in this time of frustration and disappointment - I am choosing to set my heart at rest and remain under His wing - knowing that He knows everything. I know I'll need that reminder a million times while I have to sit quietly and not do everything I like to do, but I'm going to try to keep that focus. I have posted those verses next to my couch, where I'm spending most of my time, in order to have the constant reminder that even in my hurt and disappointment, God is there.

Trying to focus on the positive in the next few days and keep myself focusing on how God sees this event in the grand scheme of all He has planned for my life rather than focusing on my disappointment in not getting to do things as I had planned them.

And - for those interested, I have decided that I'm not giving up on the running. I'm resting and waiting till i have doctors approval, but then, I am going to get back out and keep training. I won't be running this 5k, but that doesn't mean I won't be able to run one in January or in a few months from then. :)

Much love! :)

Update and Catch Up

Yet again, I've gotten behind. I'm going to try to do 2 posts tonight. This one is going to be a catch up post - and the next one will be a post about some things God has been teaching me.

So, what's been going on in my life?

- School is in full swing. It's going well. I have had the normal ups and downs of a semester - but overall, this year is better than last. I've had my scariest moment in teaching and my most exciting - in one week - with the same student. Got to love how that works!

- PCOS is still causing lots of problems. I'm working hard to fight against it in so many ways. I'm trying to be good and eat my meals every 3 hours, like I'm supposed to. My sugar drops and spikes in ridiculous ways. I am taking medicine twice a day - to help regulate my sugar - but it doesn't seem to help. Maybe it will take some time.

- My doctor is expecting me to lose 30 lbs by Christmas. I personally don't see how this is going to happen, though I'd love it if it did. I'm trying all I can - eating better, exercising and taking the meds. We'll see what results I get from my hard work. If I lose 15-20, I'll be happy, but I know I have to lose more, and this is not just a diet, but a true change in my life.

- Something exciting starts tomorrow...I get to take dance class again! My wonderful mother decided to give me a gift for my birthday of something i can't give for myself. She is paying for me to take dance this year. I will take a Monday night class that is a combination of ballet, jazz and modern for adults. I'm hoping to take a Thursday night adult tap class also - but that won't start for a little while now.

- Things with Jeff are going amazingly well. I love every minute I get to spend with him - which lately has been about once a week. That's been hard, but he and I are growing and learning to enjoy our time together, and yet, enjoy our times apart too.

- That's about all that's going on right now. It's getting late, so I don't know if I'll get my other post totally done, but I'll aim to have it done by Tuesday. I really want to post about what God has been teaching me - specifically about who He is in the light of all that's been going on in my life. Praying He shows himself to be the amazing, wonderful God He is in all of your lives this week!

AJ