Pain, Purpose and Peace!

Today has been a rough day. I have had moments when I wanted to break down - times when I just want to whine about what is going on in my life. I never realized how annoying, time consuming and frustrating it can be to count calories, carbs and proteins. I feel like I have to write things down because I can't remember how much of what I eat. At lunch today, I seriously just wanted to throw everything down and cry. I try very hard not to be whiny or complain, but this PCOS is seriously testing my ability to be strong at times.

But then, tonight, when I was checking Facebook, one of my friends, a wonderful lady who led conference youth ministry for many years had the lyrics to a song written by a Pastor and a Worship Leader from churches in the NCCUMC. I had been at youth camp the year they introduced the song, and I think it is now in the new Methodist Hymnal that is coming out. The song itself is based on John Wesley's Covenant Prayer. I'm reposting the lyrics as a reminder to myself.

Lord, I am not mine but yours alone. Let Your will be done and not my own. Put me where you will and let me serve. In everything I do let me endure. - Covenant Prayer Song by Jay Locklear and Adam Seate

I have already shared that I've felt God leading me to use this new part of my journey - a part I really would rather not have as mine - to be a light for Him for other women with PCOS. Tonight, I was reminded that, even though I'm not happy, and I don't know the greater plan in all of this - God does and He's not in the dark about it at all. I'm praying that even in the moments of being tired of pricking my finger for yet another blood sugar check, even in the moments of pain from feeling like I'll never be able to have children, even in the moments of exhaustion and frustration and feeling like I'll never lose the weight I want to lose - I'll be reminded of His plan, of His purpose and of His unfailing and never wavering love. If I can keep sight of that, I'll know that my pain can be used to build His kingdom and I'll be content, even in my pain. No matter where you are taking me Father, let me glorify you in all I do, in all I encounter. Let me please You and You alone!

And - I have to share that I have an absolutely amazing man in my life - I know God put him in my life before this all happened for a reason! Those of you who have my blog address and know me personally know that Jeff and I both believe we are with the person we will marry and spend our lives with. I have been able to lean on him and talk to him about all of this when I've needed to. I even sat him down to specifically tell him about the infertility aspect, because I know he wants children and felt it only fair to tell him with plenty of time to back out of the relationship if he didn't want to deal with it before we got more serious. He, of course, was wonderful and listened to me as I shared what PCOS meant for me in the long run and for us - and when I finished, he made it very clear to me that this new part of my journey (our journey) did nothing to change his love for me and his commitment to me. He also reminded me of God's promises and the fact that in God's timing, miracles happen. I needed that reminder, and it was wonderful to hear it from him.

I am finding there is hope. There is life worth looking forward to - it's just not exactly all as I had planned it. But, as long as I have God (who isn't going any where) and my friends (who are truly worth their weight in gold), I have a future and a hope and all the support I need to get through the days that won't be easy and to hold on to the promises my Father has made in His word that He has upheld in the past and will continue to uphold.

On a completely unrelated note...
Tomorrow I get to pick up Squish and Little Bit and bring them to New Bern with me! I keep them for 3 days and will return them on Wednesday. I'm excited to get to spend some great quality time with two little girls who make me smile so much. I'm excited for the distraction and the ability to have something totally different to think about for a few days. It will be great! :)

Shame, Snacks, and Scripture!

Today has been an interesting day of ups and downs as I process the news I received yesterday and share it with those close to me. It's funny to me how ashamed I have felt at times as I've told someone new about this. Why do I feel shame? Because I feel like I'm defective - I'm broken. I never realized that having a life long disease would do that. I don't feel that way about my hearing loss. I don't feel that way about my need for glasses. But, for some reason, this goes deeper - a lot deeper and seems to threaten my very identity. I know I am still Amy-Jo, the same Amy-Jo I've always been, but at the same time, I am different now in a way I can't even put my finger on.

PCOS is causing me to make changes to my daily life. Right now, while continuing to wait on the final diagnosis, they are just small changes. Mainly, it's just my eating habits right now. I've learned that for someone with insulin resistance (which is what causes PCOS), the best way to eat is to balance carbs and proteins and to eat at least 1 serving of carbs and 1 serving of protein every 3 hours. I feel like all I'm doing is eating. I've been able to learn how to combine a carb and protein into a small snack - peanut butter on toast, anyone? - and am learning how to properly balance foods so I'm not eating a million calories in a day, which is what today felt like.

I have no clue how I'm going to translate that into life when I go back to school and barely have time to eat lunch, much less snack every three hours, but I have a few more weeks to find ways to manage that. I'm learning that I'm going to have to make time for me during the school day. If I don't take care of me, I can't take care of my kids, and then, what is the purpose of me being there in the first place.

I won't lie - today has been difficult. But, God has been teaching me a lot of truth about Him today. I have been holding on to a few songs that keep coming to mind. The first is Held by Natalie Grant and the second is Hold Fast by Mercy Me. Both are reminding me of the truth of who my Father is - and how much He has been there for me in the past. I know He never changes. God has also been teaching me about Himself through His Scripture. While talking to a few different people, the word barren has come up in response to the infertility aspect of PCOS. Because of that, I did a Word Study on barren tonight to see what God has to say about it. And, I've found a lot of interesting things. One is that there are multiple cases mentioned in the Bible where a woman who was declared barren was able to conceive and bear children in God's timing and in His purpose. Another is a chapter in Psalms that I'm declaring as mine for now. So, based on God's word as He has revealed it to me today, I am going to go ahead and believe that I will not be barren. When I am married, and when the time is right for me and my husband, I will be able to conceive, because God says the barren woman will bear children.

Psalm 113
"1 Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. 2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore. 3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. 4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. 5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, 6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? 7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; 8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. 9 He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

I love how God is able to use Scripture to teach us about Him and to touch a part of our hearts that are needing to hear from Him. Reading a truth that has been around for so long makes me feel not so alone. It reminds me that I'm not the first woman to receive this diagnosis, and I won't be the last. I'm actually kind of blessed that God has called me share my journey through PCOS, because it means, I get to share my story with others. I get to show others His truth and that this diagnosis isn't the end of our journey, but merely, the starting down another path in the journey.

I'll close with the fun new treat for the day that I created tonight:
Almond milk and chocolate protein powder, with a bit of ice, makes for a great, sweet smoothie and helps to bring up blood sugar before bed - so I will be able to get better sleep (yay for knowing why I've had so much insomnia) and wake up with a higher sugar level. :) It's great to have a reason to treat myself well and have a sweet treat at the same time!

Blessings to all of my readers! And please, feel free to leave me ideas for your sweet treats or quick snacks, especially if they balance carbs and proteins, as well as any other comments! :)

Learning to be held

I'm a strong, independent woman. I live on my own because I enjoy getting to do what I want when I want. But, this journey is going to be one of being dependent. I am blessed when I compare this disease to other ones. I will keep my faculties - I will keep my physical independence. But, my emotional independence is breaking down right now. I need people. I need reassurance. I need love. I need to know that I'm not alone. I don't really like this, but I'm praying that God is using this to teach me and mold me.

I've already found that the best thing I can do when I'm dealing with the fear and the frustration of this diagnosis is to let someone else be there for me. After my appointment yesterday, I drove to Jeff's apartment and hung out with him for a few hours. I didn't talk a whole lot about what was going on, but just being in his arms and being safe and knowing that even though he knows the complications this may cause for us down the road he's still there, meant the world to me. And, I don't think he realized it - I didn't realize it at the time - but, he was teaching me about where God is in this. He was teaching me that in the fear, in the frustration, in the confusion, in the anger - God is there. God is big enough to hold me in all that's going on. God is strong enough to take care of me. God loves me.

After hanging out with Jeff, I went and hung out with Jen, and again found out what it means to be loved no matter what. Again, she and I didn't talk a whole lot about it, but it was nice to just be with her. I'm learning I have great friends - people who are there for me no matter what.

I'm learning that independence is great, but God didn't create us to be independent. He created us to be the Body - to join together - to hold each other when we need to, and to let others hold us up when we need it. This journey is teaching me that it's okay to need to be held - and to be willing to seek out my friends and to go to my Heavenly Father and curl up in His lap when I just need to know that I'm not alone. This disease is already teaching me things, and I'm excited to see what else I learn as I walk through this journey.

New Journey = New Blog

Anyone who has been following my blogging will notice that this post is a change in tone and topic. Previously, I had been blogging about my journey to another country - one that I loved and was so thankful to get to live in. Now, I'm embarking on a new journey - one that I never expected to go on, and one that I'm not really sure where it is going to take me. So, I decided to create a new blog to help me as I process through this new stage in my journey.

Today, I was told that I likely have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I have to do lab work next week and will know for sure after that. If this is the diagnosis I receive, it will make perfect sense. It will explain a lot of things I have always thought I had to live with - and give them a reason. But, it will also be the start of a journey that is different than what I expected for my life.

The prognosis is scary. The possible complications are overwhelming. The thought of having to take medicine every day for the rest of my life is frustrating. But, the knowledge that my God is Greater than any earthly disease is comforting and is the source of my hope and strength today.


What I know:
- PCOS won't ever go away.
- PCOS causes issues with fertility and may cause me to not be able to have children without medical intervention.
- PCOS is a big reason I am almost 25 and still have annoying acne, have facial hair that makes me feel like a man and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.
- PCOS is caused by trouble processing insulin, causing me to produce more testosterone than I should.
- PCOS is going to change my life, but it will not control my life!

I am going to use this blog, which I don't think many people will read, as a place to pour out my thoughts as I walk through this journey to learning what life will be like with PCOS. I hope that it will ultimately be a testament to the healing, mercy and grace of God!